


i sleep with the lights on (waiting for you)

by airx (sonclipxe)



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Divorce, F/F, Modern Era, baby yerim, divorce because stan twt believes lipsoul broke up unless they interact, happy ending? i dont know them, i hate school all i can think about is how im going to finish this, idk man im just sad, im not sorry that i wrote this, kinda angsty, lipsoul but like angstier, love letter is on repeat while i write this, okay maybe its a little angstier than i wanted it to be, slow updates because school, sorry that i wrote this, yeah i dont know why i wrote this, yvesoul but as a guilty pleasure kinda thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:49:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonclipxe/pseuds/airx
Summary: crumbling relationships and broken promises.jungeun wished she knew when she started to sleep with the lights on.





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> the divorce au no one wished for.

It has been thirty-five minutes after two o’clock. The monotonous beat of the circle, black clock rings through out the room as Jungeun shuffle in her blanket. Eyes wide and mouth dry, she gets up from her back, sitting in a cross legged manner. She checks her phone. _2:35 am_. Jinsol. _Where’s Jinsol?_ She asks herself in a shameless manner, her mind pretending to not know the true answer to her question.  
  
  


_Pathetic._   
  
  


She doesn’t even know where her own wife was.  
  
  


She checks her messages, her phone log, even her Twitter, just to see where her wife had been the whole night.  
  
  


_I’ll be out with the coworkers tonight. Don’t wait up._   
  
  


That was the last message from Jinsol. Cold. Numb. Unfeeling. Like coffee that went cold, Jungeun continues to sip the bitter taste. She could feel it creep into her skin. Jinsol turned to someone she doesn’t even know, and Jungeun tries her best to remember what Jinsol had been before.  
  
  


Tries her best to recount their happiest moments.  
  
  


Fleeting, what a perfect word to describe them at the time. Jinsol — and the whole idea of her being in love with Jungeun — was fleeting. Flying away from Jungeun’s desperate grasp, Jungeun tries to catch them, hope in her eyes.  
  
  


_Pathetic_, a voice whispers to her subconsciously.  
  
  


Jungeun plops herself back on her bed. Her hand reaches for Jinsol’s side of the bed, arm outstretched as if she is reaching for the gone, for the wind that blows cold air into her hold. She finds none. Jinsol still wasn’t home.  
  
  


Or maybe she is home. In another person’s arms. Hands wrapped around one another and legs tied around each other. Maybe Jinsol found a new place to rant about work and coworkers and how she wanted to be a singer than to be a stupid, useless, office worker with a stupid, useless boss and a stupid, useless computer. Maybe.  
  
  


Jungeun shakes her head, her already messy hair getting messed up more as she tries to erase the image of Jinsol, her _own_ _wife_, in another person’s arms. It hurts. Of course it does. But Jungeun trusts Jinsol. She always does. She covers her eyes – like how she covers the thought of Jinsol’s fleeting love for her, disappearing as she breathes – to block the blinding light of the room, getting ready to sleep.  
  
  


Jungeun sleeps with the lights on, ready to turn it off when Jinsol comes back.  
  


* * *

Jinsol turns up in the apartment four in the morning, eyes weary and drunk and her shirt reeking of alcohol and perfume that Jungeun knows Jinsol would never wear. Jinsol was drunk. But Jinsol wasn’t drunk enough to lay down beside Jungeun’s side. She wasn’t drunk enough to let Jungeun help her with her change of clothes, contrary to what the brunette would always do when she’s knocked out from drinking out with her friends. Jinsol was drunk. But not drunk enough to whisper _I’m sorry, I’ll change_ in Jungeun’s ears and give her a sign of hope that they’re _okay_. They will be fine. Like before.   
  
  


Jinsol wasn’t drunk enough to love her like she used to.  
  
  


But Jungeun lets her be. Her eyes fill with warmth and tears but she fights it back. She covers it again, the room light still blindingly bright as it fills the room. She waits for the bed to move, to shift in weight as it adjusts to the drunken movements of Jinsol as she slips in to the blanket. She waits for an arm to snake around her waist, slowly pulling her back to the comfort and security she once called home. She waits for a soft, lulling voice, telling her _I missed you, I’m sorry, I love you,_ and a kiss to her forehead as she wanders back to sleep.   
  
  


But that doesn’t happen. _Not anymore_.  
  
  


Jungeun flutters her eyes open and close and open and close when she doesn’t feel the shifting on the bed. Jungeun clutches her hand to her chest, trying to numb the creeping pain that slowly crawls into her heart, when she hears the door knob twist open. She shuffles in her position, the cold air seeping through the thick mattress as she pats it with tender care, as if she’ll wake Jinsol up. She keeps her whimpers and sobs hidden within her as she hear the click of the doorknob and the rhythm of Jinsol’s feet trudging through the floor as if she’s carrying the burden of the world, and she walks away from their once shared bedroom. Jungeun shushes herself, her right hand covers her mouth to keep her cries for Jinsol silent.  
  
  


_Pathetic_, the voice whispers in her mind again.  
  
  


Jinsol sleeps in the guestroom. Jungeun stays awake in the bedroom they once called their _haven of peace_. Funny. Jinsol was the one who coined the name for the lavender scented bedroom. _When I’m with you, I’m in peace, Jungie_. Jinsol whispers to her the night she had troubles with sleeping and Jinsol had troubles with dreaming and both of them had troubles with the crackling thunder outside. _That’s why this room is our haven of peace. Because you’re here._ Jinsol tightens her hold as Jungeun feels the sleepiness blanket over them as the night sky find peace within them.   
  
  


Yet, here they are. _Well, here she is_.   
  
  


Alone.  
  
  


Jinsol left her haven of peace for something more. Or less. Jungeun doesn’t know. She doesn’t want to know. She knows it hurts. It would. _It will_. When the time comes and it slaps her with the truth that Jinsol had fallen out of comfort zone, when Jinsol wakes up to the truth that she’s not in love with Jungeun anymore, it will hurt. So Jungeun turns away.  
  
  


She turns away from the thought of Jinsol losing the galaxies in her eyes whenever Jungeun had cooked her favorite breakfast.   
  
  


She puts on a blind eye on the idea of Jinsol finding comfort and security and a new home in someone else’s arms, snuggled up during winter as they watch _Zootopia_ with warm chocolate drinks in their hands.   
  
  


Losing Jinsol.   
  
  


That’s more than what Jungeun can bear.  
  
  
  
  


The loud, repetitive, annoyingly stubborn alarm clock screams its mechanical heart out as it shows the in bloody red the digital time and date, _5:30 am SAT_, to the sleepless Jungeun.   
  
  


_New day_, Jungeun thinks to herself as she walks in front of the mirror, her hands cupping her face as she watches the life drain out of her eyes, _maybe Yerim would cheer me up._  
  
  


(Jungeun still leaves Jinsol with her favorite breakfast, coffee in the machine, and some painkillers on the table.

_‘For hangovers. Eat breakfast first before drinking.’_, her note read. The piece of sticky note attached to the pill bottle.

She leaves the apartment, a piece of her heart hoping Jinsol would wake up and kiss her goodbye.)

(Jinsol doesn’t.)

* * *


	2. ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe they had it all. 
> 
> but it was late to come back from being empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a look back in the past and the hurtful now.

_"Hey, Sol,” Jungeun calls out to the woman with furrowed eyebrows and confused eyes in front of her, focusing on her readings as they revise for their finals, “if I wanted a kid with you, would you agree?” _

_The older woman looks at her with confusion still intact on her face — she’s more confused now with what Jungeun asked her than whether or not she took the right course program — before chuckling in her seat, turning her notebook page as she does. _

_“We have to get married first, Jungie.” Jinsol answers without looking back at the younger blonde, who kept her eyes focused on her girlfriend. “Having a kid is a very hard responsibility. And they’re messy, too.” _

_Jungeun smirks as she leans back to her seat, her eyes wondering to their table. A few colored markers and highlighters by the farther left, crumpled scratch papers to her near right, and a few candy wrappers by Jinsol’s front. “Yeah, I’m probably not ready for that kind of cleaning.” _

_“Yah,” Jinsol pouts at her as if she’s acting hurt by Jungeun’s teasing, her eyebrows curled up and her eyes shining like a puppy’s own, “what do you mean by that? I’m messy?” _

_Jungeun laughs melodically with Jinsol’s reaction as she slowly fishes out one of her notes from her red backpack, getting ready for her own revisions as well, before shrugging her shoulders. “I never said that, Sol.” _

_“Yeah, well, I’m baby. What are you going to do about it, huh?” Jinsol huffs cutely in an attempt to act like a child sulking, her arms thrown into a knot as she pouts even more. Jungeun raises her eyebrow in amusement, not surprised — but fairly captivated by her own girlfriend’s charm — with the antic Jinsol pulled off. Typical Jinsol would throw in some aegyo and whining when she’s being teased. _

_“You’re my baby.” Jungeun greasily answers back and she sees Jinsol’s cheeks slowly be tinted with pinkness as she shies away and hide behind her hair, an attempt too cute for Jungeun. “Because, you know, you’re a big baby.”_

_“At least I’m not a pillow princess.” Jinsol teases back but immediately regrets as Jungeun look back at her with a huge smirk in her face. “… Nevermind.”_

_“But seriously, Sol,” Jungeun straightens her features to go back to their topic after making a teasing face at Jinsol, her hands calmly rest at the rim of her notebook, before talking about children, “do you want a kid with me?” _

_Jinsol comes out of her hiding curtain, a small smile lazily drawn on her lips as she looks at Jungeun with loving eyes before asking for Jungeun’s hand, her palm facing towards the ceiling as it lightly settles at the table. Jungeun gives her hand, and Jinsol proceeds to intertwine them, like puzzle pieces fitting with each other perfectly as they connect. Jungeun feels a surge of electricity flow through her from the moment Jinsol had tighten her hold with her hand. It hasn’t changed. She still feels sparks, still feels warmth flood her body as Jinsol softly kisses her hand before resting it back to the table. She rubs her thumb, the sensation brings Jungeun back home and Jinsol smiles. _

_Jinsol always knew the way back home._

_“Jungie,” Jinsol had called out Jungeun back to reality, her husky voice wakes the younger blonde from daydreaming, “I’d love to.” _

_Jinsol was her way home._

_“When we get jobs, Jungeun, like, regular, good-paying jobs.” Jinsol had never sounded so determined, and Jungeun feels the surge electricity swim through her again, and Jinsol’s eyes seemed to brighten with inspiration as she squeezed her hand lightly, as if Jinsol’s afraid she’ll shatter. “We’ll name her Yerim, or something like that.” _

_Jungeun chuckles as she completely disregards the impending examinations in two days with how Jinsol looks so determined to find a good job right after graduation. She forgets the coming procrastination later that night as she swims in Jinsol’s starry eyes. She dismisses the sullen whispers of her mind to study as she holds Jinsol’s hand as if she’ll lose everything when she lets go. _

_“You’re very adamant about this, Sol,” Jungeun teases as Jinsol shows a cheeky smile right back at her, “sounds like you want to get knotted down as soon as possible.” _

_Jinsol’s laugh echoes through the library, pass the bookshelves and right at the sleepy librarian who didn’t seem to mind hearing the older blonde’s adorably loud giggles. _

_“If it’s with you, Jungie.” Jinsol, with a wink and a loving flying kiss, states greasily. Although she sounded like she was kidding, her eyes had all the stars that the night sky would be jealous and that meant everything to Jungeun._

_“Only if it’s with you.” _

_Jinsol is her home. _

_Nothing can change he_ _r_ _ mind._

* * *

Jungeun arrives at the orphanage, her hand reaching for the boxed chocolate cake patiently waiting to be opened by the shotgun seat. She wonders whether Yerim was still there, swinging by the orphanage’s meek playground, waiting for her to visit with a new toy and a new story to tell. Had it been in the past, Jinsol would be with her, a fruit bat plushie in one hand and a purple backpack, designed by the older blonde herself, with storybooks about misadventures of a group of girls looking for paradise, or a cliché story of a princess kissing a frog to turn it to human.

She opens the car door, with her bag comfortably held by one hand and her other carrying the box. She tries to fake a smile before going in, maybe give the passing wind a giggle just to pretend she’s still happy.

She walks past the almost empty parking lot, save for a few mini vans for the staff and unfamiliar cars for the neighboring church a block or two by the orphanage’s right side. She pushes the main door open as she’s greeted by unknown faces of couples, a light brown haired woman and a more petite woman with jet black hair with bangs. They were waiting for a staff, based by the brown envelope and anxious filled smiles they showed her, to come back.

“Jungeun! You’re back!” A loud, awfully cheerful, yet unreasonably charming voice shouts through the corridor of the beige colored walls, almost shocking the couple behind her. “It’s been a while!”

“Yeah…” Jungeun sheepishly smiles in front of the brown haired cheeky woman with bangs in front of her, the shy curves of her lips seems to be sign for the same aged girl to hug her tightly. “It’s been a while, Jiwoo.”

“Of course it was! It’s been what? Six? Seven months? It’s been at least eight months since you last visited! I was starting to get worried, y’know?” Jiwoo recounts, her concern starting to draw over her soft features before she beams back to Jungeun, her signature smile never failing to influence anyone beside her. “Well, at least you’re back!”

Another staff comes out from the corridor, who Jungeun assumes is the staff the couple waiting behind her, her nametag lazily written with _Hi, I’m Joy_ as she swiftly checks in on the couple. But before Jungeun can hear whatever _Joy_ was going to tell them, Jiwoo pulls her inside the beige colored walls, walking down the maze-like building and passing through the mini clinic and small library the orphanage offers for the children, making their way towards where Jungeun usually asks to go.

“Am I allowed to ask about that couple?” Jungeun opens up as Jiwoo fast walks along with her, eager to take her where she should be. Jiwoo shoots her with a what? look as the pass through the mini garden. “They look pretty scared when I got here.”

“They’re about to adopt a kid, but there were some problems since the kid’s biological parent showed up. Irene-unnie’s pretty nervous about it because she got close with Ryujin already.” Jiwoo briefly explains as they reach the mini playground, still near the mini garden they just swiftly stopped by, kids aged six to eleven running around the playground, some of them eyeing the older duo. “I’m pretty sure Ryujin wants to be with the couple, but protocols and stuff makes it hard.”

“Oh.” Was the only response Jungeun can mutter. “That sucks.”

“It does.” Jiwoo replies softly, her feet slowing down as they step in the freshly trimmed grass of the mini playground, as she calls out for a familiar name.

“Jungeun unnie!” The kid shouts as she runs faster towards the two older girls, her teeth showing as her lips smile in glee. She almost stumbles from running too fast, but she was quick to catch herself, eager to latch herself on the brunette.

“Hey there, Yeojin!” Jungeun happily calls back as she lowers herself to welcome the hug Yeojin, a six year old with her hair tied into a large half bun and her signature frog plushie in her arms, was going to bring. “It’s been a while! You’ve grown so tall, too!”

Yeojin beams at her with the widest smile, her eyes crinkling to crescents. “Of course! I always drink milk because Jiwoo unnie said it can make me tall!”

Yeojin was the youngest of the trio she’s grown fond with, being only three years old when she Jungeun first met her. Yeojin was the loudest, her cries were heard through out the whole first floor whenever she’s teased by the older two when Jungeun visits them. Yet Yeojin was also the most sensible, the kid knows when to stop teasing her older friends and when to continue pushing their buttons, even going as far as making an apology cake for Hyejoo when she accidentally broke one of Hyejoo’s toys.

“Did Yeojin miss Jungeun unnie?” Jiwoo teases the kid as Yeojin wraps her tiny hands around Jungeun neck, prompting the older girl to carry her around to continue walking towards the visitor’s spot. Yeojin shyly nods, her frog plushie hanging from the other side of Jungeun’s neck as if it is also hugging her.

“I think Yerim unnie missed you the most, Jungeun unnie.” Yeojin whispers to Jungeun’s ear, her tiny voice echoing through Jungeun’s mind as she scans the whole playground on where the sun-like kid could be hiding. “She’s always waiting for Jinsol unnie, too.”

The mere mention of her wife’s name sends shivers to Jungeun’s spine, or maybe it was the nostalgia barging through her senses reminding her the days when she visited Yerim and Hyejoo with her wife. Wife. Is Jinsol still her wife? On papers, in court, yes, she still is. But not at the apartment. Not anymore.

“She does? What does Yeojin do when Yerim waits for us?” Jungeun shakes the thoughts of Jinsol for now, the cold already seeping through her, like the winter’s breath creeping on her when Jinsol didn’t have any of the stars she’d gaze in when the older blonde whispers good night. “Does Yeojin wait with Yerim?"

Yeojin nods excitedly, proud of being a good younger sibling for her sister from another mister. Jungeun smiles widely at the kid in her arms, and the glint of happiness in Yeojin’s eyes were enough to keep the numbness away for a few hours.

Jiwoo tugs the hem of her shirt from behind, a small smile as she gets Yeojin from Jungeun’s arms back to hers. She points to a kid on a swing, her pigtails and purple hoodie not hard to miss. Jiwoo gives her a knowing look. “That’s Yerim.”

Jungeun gives her a thankful smile as she gets down on one knee, facing the six year old before giving Yeojin a small hug. “Unnie will talk to Yerim first, then I’ll tell the three of you a new story, ‘kay?”

“Okay!” Yeojin, her infectious smile and cheeks puffing as she smiles, replies happily, eager to wait for Jungeun to talk to Yerim while she plays with her Jiwoo unnie. Jungeun shoots Jiwoo with a gracious look, but Jiwoo only winks at her greasily as she pulls Yeojin to play with the other kids.

Jungeun walks towards the girl on the swing, her steps light and careful to not surprise the girl currently playing with her owl plushie. Jungeun smiles to herself. Yerim kept the first gift she gave her.

“Yerim-ah,” Jungeun calls out softly, like a mother cooing her daughter for dinner, a serene smile placed on her pink tinted lips, “do you still remember me?”

_“____Ma_____!___”_ Yerim yelps as she locks eyes with the brunette, almost throwing her plushie away in shock to see her beloved mother figure back. “I missed you, ma.”

Although Yeojin and Hyejoo were dear to Jungeun, so much that Jungeun would adopt all three of them in a heartbeat if she can, Yerim was the only one who called her _Ma_, sometimes even calling her _Mom_ or _Eomma_, as if Yerim had already been adopted by her.

The first time Yerim called her Mom was the fourth time she visited, her hand full of new toys and books she got from her old part time job, and Jinsol was with her, a small smile playing on both of their lips. Jinsol teased her when Yerim muttered Mom at Jungeun when Yerim was crying and Jungeun was quick to dry her tears, making Yerim cry more because she wanted to get adopted by the newly weds.

_“Sweetie, we can’t adopt you yet. We still don’t have stable jobs.”_ Jinsol had explained, her eyes soft and caring the moment Yerim called her Mommy and Jungeun never felt so sure with her feeling with Jinsol. Jinsol looked like she was willing to move mountains for Yerim, and that made Jungeun’s heart swell a hundred times more when Jinsol had whispered her that night, _“We should adopt Yerim someday. When, like, we can give her a good life.”_

Jungeun wonders if Jinsol still thinks the same.

She turns her head back to Yerim, the young girl currently tearing up at the sight of her motherly figure surprising her.

“Aigoo, my sweet child. Why is Yerim crying?” Jungeun coos, her hands cupping both cheeks of the girl as Yerim hiccups unevenly. The brunette smiles teasingly yet softly as Yerim slowly walks into her arms, the girl’s short arms wrap around her neck, her sobs achingly adorable. “Did Yerim miss me that much?”

“Yes.” Yerim only replies, as her other answers were muffled by the sound of her own whimpers. “Yerim really missed _Ma_.”

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments to fuel my inspiration to write more.


End file.
